Well, our shinsa is over. Both arrows hit, but it wasn’t enough. I knew my shooting was poor while still at the sha-i, but after a lot of compliments from spectators who should have known better, I began to think maybe I was overly focusing on what didn’t work. But no.
And really, that’s a positive thing. I would have felt wrong, passing when I wasn’t satisfied with my own performance. And on top of that, instead of paying another dan registration fee, I got a very valuable lesson instead for free, because now I know from my own experience that, just as they always tell us, hitting is not enough, and that this desire to hit (or to pass, or to not fail) has to be overcome.
Or, that may not be entirely true. It seems like you can go two ways. One is to become a technician, someone with enough mental strength to create the outward appearance of not being captured by the desire to hit, to pass, to have a good reputation, etc. That kind of stability is certainly conceivable. Just watch a skilled politician. The other is really to overcome those things.
I can see the attraction of becoming a technician, yet when you get right down to it, why? It would be like Milli-Vanilli. What use is living a fake life when it’s the only one you have?
Three months until the next opportunity, and I’m setting my sights on bigger game. My own mind is both the culprit and the key.